Uh oh Maddie's writing one of those ill-advised late night posts again. This never goes well.
Hello. I am indeed writing this at well after midnight. Which is, indeed, often a poor choice. But whatever. Sometimes I get a strong urge to just jump on my blog and let the thoughts flow. To just get it all out so quickly that I can't help being honest and unfiltered.
I woke up this morning and almost my first thought was 'my blog is pointless'. Seriously. Please excuse my language but where the f*ck does that stuff come from? I had planned to spend the first day of the weekend mostly taking photos for the next week's posts using my snazzy new camera (more on that later) and I was looking forward to it. Then, after a lovely lie in, what's my very first thought when I wake up on Saturday? 'It's all pointless'.
Ugh. Why, brain, why? Why do you do this to me?
This happens to me a lot with my blog - and I hope I'm not alone (?) I'll be chugging along nicely - plotting out new ideas, taking photos, scheduling posts - and then suddenly my inner monologue turns on me with a swift viciousness that shocks me every time:
'no one even reads your blog'
'all your friends think it's ridiculous'
'it's so narcissistic to have a whole site dedicated to yourself'
Jesus. It appears can be a real bitch when I want to be. To myself. How thoroughly unhelpful.
I think these sudden, intense spasms of self-doubt may be pointing to an underlying problem though. Yes, I think they show that I'm ludicrously self-critical in a way which is genuinely unhelpful and 100% mad (so what's new?). But I think they also suggest that I'm not always that good at remaining true to myself in my blogging. I try not to be influenced by trends and stats and what other people are doing, but I am - I'm only human. And, as a normal human I want this thing that I dedicate masses of time and thought to to be successful. I want to keep growing my traffic and all that stuff, but in pursuing that I sometimes get lost in writing things which aren't interesting to me or - and I thoroughly hate myself for using this awful buzzword - authentic.
Because the times when the self-doubt strikes its heaviest blows are the times when I've just hit publish on something I've adapted to make it more 'shareable' (vom) or written just to attract new readers to my site. It's the stuff that when I write it makes me feel most distant from my totally un-self-conscious arm-swatching early days of blogging (#MakeArmSwatchingAThingAgain). It's the stuff I don't feel proud of that makes me worry the most - the slightly self-interested buzzfeed-esque stuff. If we're being brutally honest, the internet garbage.
So I guess the very obvious solution is to not write that stuff (El Capitan Obvioso saves the day once again! Muchas gracias). And to stick to the honest off-the-top-of-my-head posts (like this one) that make me happiest.
Ok. Sorted. Nice talking to you. Also can we please get #MakeArmSwatchingAThingAgain trending?